People, Power, and Politics, I Guess

What is it about people in power that makes them think they can get away with skeezy bullshit? I’ve always believed that a person acts on things because they believe they’re in the right, but lately, I’m seeing more and more “powerful” people and groups act out in such underhanded ways that it’s hard to believe a person genuinely believes the wrongdoing they’re committing is justified. It’s getting harder to say that no one sets out to do “evil” when I’m a firsthand witness to a person of power thinking it okay to do something they clearly believed to be wrong for no other reason than they simply could.

I’m pretty evidently referring to the DNC leaks, but it’s in tandem with this thing I’ve been sitting on for a couple months. I’m still hesitant to come out and say what happened because it could potentially put me out of a job, or at least make it that much more difficult to work in this environment as is… It’s left me at a loss for how to handle anything lately, and it continues to exhaust me when coupled with the extended hours I’m working.

But I genuinely want to know why there are people who act unethically under the impression that they’re above the consequences. I simply cannot fathom the arrogance that a person has to have in order to do such a thing. Is it truly the thrill of acting out of line with your own morality? Does the high of rebelling against one’s true nature sustain these people? Is it an addiction not unlike the substances and vices? Or is it honestly the arrogance that it appears to be? The belief that not all are created equal and the maintenance of power through immoral action is what it takes to survive?

These are the thoughts that are weighing me down as I try to continue living my life without judgment… to continue my avoidance of black and white, binary thinking that villifies individuals and groups in an “us vs. them” mentality. It is increasingly difficult to keep those values in check when I’m feeling the way I have been.

There is so much I want to get off my chest and put out there, but I’m torn over whether or not it would help or make my life a waking nightmare until I’m able to get out of this situation. My own morals feel skewed, and I feel as if I’ve abandoned my values… How do people do this?

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With One Thing Comes Another

And another, and another, and another, and another…

I thought once we finally got the call about what was going on, things would be difficult but not unmanageable. I knew things would be bad, even to the point of being unbearable, but these past two weeks have been more than trying. I honestly don’t know how I’m sitting up straight enough to even type right now, let alone without crying. To say I’m stressed is a bit of an understatement, and yet, I’m functioning almost normally at the moment, as if nothing has really sunk in. I’m just tired. Really, really tired.

I started a new second job last week, working as a studio photographer in the mall. It’s not too difficult, but there’s a lot to learn and I have hardly any time to rest. In fact, if my schedule manages to stay the way it is, I’ll only ever get one day off of both jobs. But just as soon as I started this job, I got notified by my friends back in WV that one of our friends was admitted to the hospital for what turned out to be a heart attack. Thankfully, her heart is better now, but she’s still hospitalized for her pancreas, so I just keep checking Facebook to see her post updates and little hospital stories, hoping she’ll be able to go home soon since I know how easy it is for her to get cabin fever when this happens.

Then the new hire at my other job fucked up royally in one of our schools and caused the program to get kicked out, so I haven’t heard the end of it from my boss there about how angry and hurt he is over the ordeal. Being the employee he vents to about everything going wrong with the program isn’t anything new, but the failure to acknowledge his own mistakes in the situation have me at my last nerve, among other things.

What’s especially grating about this entire incident is that I had finally worked myself into enough courage to resign from this job. I’ve wanted to quit for months and have written up three separate resignation letters, prepared to officially resign, and just as I have worked it out in my head to do it, something happens to where I end up feeling too bad to leave just because of how important I am in this job.

I took it on in the beginning because it was a small, part-time thing that seemed like a good way for me to get some new kind of theatrical work on my resume, and at that point in time, I had been unemployed for three months and was growing worried that I’d be stuck working retail without any end in sight. I was scared and desperate, and let me tell you, those are not reasons you should ever accept a job, especially when it’s one that you have known you would never be suited at for your whole life. I’ve always known I’d be a terrible teacher. Not because I’m terrible with kids but because I have no patience for them and find no joy in working with them. I detest it, but because I wanted a variety of experience to put on my resume and because the pay seemed like it would be reasonable at the time, I agreed to it.

Then the other girl he hired quit without a two weeks’ notice and I was left to pick up the slack as my employer scrambled to keep things together. I felt so bad for how he’d been abandoned by someone he had promised an almost managerial position to that I stepped up and filled the role myself without really being asked. As I continued working in the role of second-in-command, I realized more and more how much of a mistake signing onto a job I hated was, but leaving someone so desperate for help never sat right with me, so I grit my teeth and kept at it, thinking I could convince myself that it wasn’t a miserable experience.

I prepared a letter of resignation for the first semester, but each new employee quit within weeks of being hired so I kept holding off. Then personal life stuff made it evident that I could not possibly quit for financial reasons, so I held off. As the new year began, I decided to stay until the end of the next semester, prepared to leave when summer rolled around, thinking there would be no program to run during the summer months. When I discovered that was not the case and that we’d still not gotten new hires, I gave up on the idea of quitting and fell into a brief period of depression, collapsing ever deeper when more personal life things made it evident that I would have to keep working. When we finally managed to hire new people, I applied more frequently to any and every job I could and finally managed to find this studio that hired me on the spot. I started to feel like I could quit after the summer finished out, and I began feeling a small sense of relief at the prospect of turning in my resignation and dedicating energy just to one job.

Then this incident with losing our most financially viable school happened, and our only other new hire is already showing signs of not appreciating the amount of time invested into a part-time job with full-time responsibilities… And today of all days, when we’re completing our last day at this school we’ve spurned, the studio manager that hired me in the mall and was training me was fucking fired. HR came in, hovering around and observing my training for about an hour and a half before pulling her in the back and booting her, after having spoken with me and saying that I ought to work towards making my way up in the company to a managerial position. Then the former manager texts me later in the day to say she’s sorry I had to be there for that, and when I asked her if she was okay, she says that it’s a shitty company to work for and it was a long time overdue.

After ALL of this, I am still managing to remain more or less unaffected. Inside, I’m angry and stressed and desperately want to cry and scream, but on the outside, I’m just… tired. I am fucking exhausted, but I have no desire to sleep. So I’m sitting here, deadpanned, just typing whatever fucking shit comes to mind and wondering how on earth I am going to get through this next week…

Frustrated

I am so fucking frustrated right now. Most of this is my own fault. I should have been keeping an eye on the calendar and been on top of things for work. I shouldn’t have taken on so much responsibility with work with how things have been so up in the air lately. But my boss should also have hired someone earlier. And he should have gotten back to me about more of these things sooner.

Just yesterday, I told Cody that if I had a week off, I felt confident that I’d be able to motivate myself into completing the editing for P4Abridged, and I do think that’d be the case. We’ve discussed lately all our prospective projects, and I’m feeling more and more motivated to work on the things I love.

Most of my motivation comes from Cody, really. In the hardest times, if I see him get excited about doing something, even when I’m feeling down, it always makes me excited to do something that he’s able to enjoy. I love seeing him happy and excited, and talking with him about all the things we want to do and seeing how happy it made him to talk about them, the more I felt myself want to work on the things I was too anxious to do before.

But as soon as that motivation picks up, I hit a fucking wall because of my job. Balancing my pet projects with work is insane. Sometimes I think if I had regular, steady hours, I’d be able to manage my time better, but I know that’s not the case. I’d only end up exhausting myself by adhering to a strict regimen. Though I aspire to be organized and structured, rigidity boxes my creative self in and prevents me from relaxing… which means I become too tense and wear out quickly.

At the same time, constantly driving to a number of schools and working with tons of different children also wears me down. That coupled with how much I actually hate kids makes this job very, very difficult. I can’t really win for losing.

I’m trying really hard to keep my head up and not lose myself to the stress, but the ball of aggravation swelling in my chest is so upsetting. I just want an outlet, but my options for one are incredibly limited…